HAUSAUFGABEN

No one wants to see how the bratwurst gets made but here it is. If you’re going to reach your full potential during a Füste event you need to put on some muscle. Foodenfüste, Drunkenfüste and Schmerzenfüste will help you lean out but Hausaufgaben (homework) will help you sculpt that flank meat into something more presentable. The goal here is form and function melded together. Follow the directions, complete the homework, look good naked. It’s that easy.

SPRÜngenFÜste Homework

We’re trying something new this year. Instead of a daily homework session that ramps up week over week, we’re going to try one specific session everyday for the entirety of the game. It’s called the Daily Fünfzig or “Daily 50” (and yes, GG gets that’s probably a misnomer as it’s not strictly going to be “fun” but what’re you going to do?).

Daily Fünfzig

Each day of SF25, attempt to complete the homework session below. You should try to do the full Fünfzig session all at once but if you have to break it up into smaller portions throughout the day, that works too. The important thing is that you’re consistent day over day. And if you can’t quite manage the full daily count of any single section (and at the beginning of the game you night not be able to), do as many reps as you can and set yourself the goal that by the end of Sprüngenfüste, you’ll complete the full Daily 50!

Each day, complete the following Daily 50 session:

  • 50 push-ups

  • 50 sit-ups

  • 50 air squats

  • 50 leg-ups

  • 50 lunges (25 each leg)

  • 50 second plank (this is the minimum planking time . . . try to hold a plank for longer as there is a 2 min and 3 min plank bonus in the back half of the game!)

If you need examples of correct form for any of the Fünfzig motions, see below. If you have a shoulder or chest injury or other situation that makes push-ups or planking difficult or impossible, let GG know you need an alternative exercise.

Below are videos to exemplify the expected form for each homework exercise. When you complete your Weekend Homework Audit you will be expected to present proper form. Do not insult the memory of the great Doktor Mediziner Schneebärtchen, the founder of the original Füste (and who’s ghost watches over all who take up the Kriegsflagge of Winterfüste) with a presentation of weakness and poor form. You will only dishonor yourself and everything you could be in this life. Do it right. Do it well. Or don’t earn your punkte. GG’s world continues to spin either way.

HAUSAUFGABEN basics

PUSHUP! Most important, your arms should be kept close to your body so that the inside of your elbows rub your chest wall when you go down and back up. This is known in some parts as a “chaturunga” push-up. This may be difficult at first but you’ll get over it. Do it right.

Pushups! Alt: Can’t quite manage the standard Pushup! ? Here’s the appropriate form for the alternative position. Most important thing is to keep your spine and butt aligned and to lower your whole body down . . .

SITUP! Start with legs in frog and arms above your head. Roll forward, bringing your arms between you legs and up into the air. Welcome the tail bone abrasion. Welcome it.

SQUATENFÜSTE: Upper body straight, arms up and out, feet spread as needed. Come down low enough to bring your thighs parallel to the floor or lower if possible. Lower. Get lower.

WALL HOLDEN: Note the extreme 90 degree angle between the upper and lower leg. Thighs should be parallel to the floor. Arms should be up and away from the body. Let the pain wash over you.

PLANKENFÜSTE: Ah, the classic that began it all. Correct form is essential. The Plankenfüste is only done on the forearms. Back straight, butt slightly tucked to protect yours spine. Arms out in front separate or together. Hold. Weep quietly to yourself. Why? Why do I do this? To which GG replies: beauty is pain.

CLIMBENFÜSTE: Start in high plank. Keeping one leg back and straight, bring the other up and tap the back of the same-side arm. Now do the other side. That’s one . . .

ADVANCED PLAY COMING SOON TO YOUR SORE and irritated self

180 BURPEN: Start in standing position, drop to and complete a pushup, jump feet up and explode to the sky, hands in the air, rotating 180 degrees. Repeat. Swallow the vomit. Swallow it.

SQUAT JUMPEN: Same as Squatenfüste, but as you come up throw your arms down and back and propel yourself into the sky like a meat rocket. Don’t worry, no one’s watching.

BÄR PLANKEN: Start on hands and knees, legs bent at 90 degrees, arms straight down from your shoulders. Now, simply tuck your toes and lift your knees a couple of inches off the ground. Tighten abdominals, keep your back straight and hold. Praise GG as your core abs seize.

SIDE PLANKEN: Stack your feet and legs and come up on your forearm. If you can, send the arm to the sky. Ignore Harp Seal’s arm. She does that. Not sure why.

LUNGENFÜSTE: Start in standing position, lunge forward with one leg. Both legs should end up with a 90 degree bend and the knee of the back leg may tap the ground. Fire yourself back to standing. Do the other leg. That’s one . . .

LEGUP! On your back, hands tucked under the outside half of your glutes. Head stays down against the ground. Raise your legs straight up in the air until they’re perpendicular to the ground then give them a little thrust into the air. Then smoothly back down to hover within and inch or two of the ground. Repeat. Repeat. Keep going. You’re not dead yet.

ÜBERMENSCH: This one’s advanced play and not for the weak of heart. No really. Your heart might explode. Start in low plank, on your forearms. Slowly and with control, extend forward and back an opposing arm and leg. Hold for a three count. Come back to low plank. Cry a little. Do the other side. That’s one . . .

BÄR WALKEN: Maintain basic Bär Planken form but now go mobile with it. Move forward, opposing arm and leg moving simultaneously (opposing . . . OPPOSING!). Now go backwards same same. Enjoy the feeling of being a wild but confused animal.