Guten tag, Füsters!
Well, the future is officially here. 2020. The year of flying cars, cyborg attacks, robot pets and the complete and utter destruction of our global home. How will a simple Füster survive these events? By focusing on your flank meat. That’s right. Not to be too self-centered and narrow minded about it, but how do you expect to fight off that cyborg warrior, beat back that malfunctioning robot pet, outrun that flying car full of melting arctic ice, if you’re weighed down by an excess of good ol’ American made flank meat? This year’s Winterfüste theme is “Survival at all Costs” and GG’s here to help.
So today is the Startenfüste, Day 1 of Week 0 (Week 1 officially starts next Monday). These first couple of days are all about easing into the Füste, taking stock, cleaning your house, both physically and emotionally. Here’s how to get started the right way:
First things first: go weigh yourself and marvel at the damage you did over the holidays. Text GG a pic of yourself on the scale (feet only please and those, if they be nasty, fully socked) with your weight clearly visible. Earn your first +1p Individual Bonus Allowance (IBA). This starting weight will be important later in the game when the fat starts to melt off of you like a polar ice cap on a hot Winter’s day.
Okay, now that you’ve had that reality check, best go clean out the pantry and lock down the alcohol cabinet. GG’s not judging, but you had your chance to whoop it up over the last couple of months and now it’s time to be sensible. Plus, you’ll need that booze to clean the wounds you suffer during the coming robot revolution! So, anything that contains sugar or is highly processed, best lock it away for when the power goes out and the cyborg overlords besiege your compound.
Put on your workout clothes and get out there today! If you’re new to the Füste, you may not realize yet that you’re in fact a hyper-competitve schlange and in a couple of weeks you’re going to look back at any day you gave up a cherished punkte and want to throw yourself to the robot wolf pack patrolling the back alley. So trust me and your future self, hit the Füste hard starting TODAY and don’t wait. If you think you’re going to challenge for Bestenfüste, you need to understand that this is all out warfare from Day 1, which is today. GG can guarantee you that any Totemfüste designated as “Sieger” is already out running while you’re sitting here trying to focus through blood shot eyes and that self-induced food hangover caused by last night’s “final meal” of whatever wasn’t locked down in the kitchen (and really, right in front of the chlidren?). Oh, and to clarify, the Sieger designation means you’re looking at someone who’s won the Füste in the past so judge well if you see them coming for you. They are all a little bit nuts so you decide if you want to stand your ground or not.
There are already a couple of bonuses up on the website (go here) so you can start earning your bonuspunkte this weekend, if you just can’t wait like a civilized person (and to whomever already broke a plate on the doorstep of The Füste HQ, GG both applauds you and is deeply afraid of you). GG has one special out the shoot bonus to announce (and new this year), the Polarbad Allowance. You have three days this weekend to find an open body of water (or an unheated pool) and jump in. If we were in the mid-west, you’d be expected to find a frozen lake, cut a hole in it and take a dip but here in the West where global warming is at it’s finest, you’ll probably be hard pressed to find a luke warm pond. But do your best. The Polarbad Allowance is only available to you this Friday, January 3 through Sunday, January 5. Jump in the coldest water possible (outdoors), film it, send it to GG, earn a +3p IBA right out of the gate. This is a good way to start being uncomfortable, which you’ll do a lot of during the Füste (and when you’re hiding in a muddy, frozen ditch as the robot army lights your house on fire, you’ll look back at this moment and smile with a sense of irony).
One thing to remember, especially you Neo-Füstes (new players), if you do it right you’re going to go through a fairly impressive detox period over the next 10 days. Unbeknownst to you, you are an addict. You have been hooked on sugar (and other fun chemicals) since the day you were born into this profit driven society. You are about to deny your body something that it thinks is paramount to it’s continued existence. But guess what? It’s not. And when the shaking stops and the light headedness fades and your pancreatic inflammation recedes, you’ll start to realize just how bad sugar is and how much of a choke hold it’s had on your life. Prepare yourself, because getting clean isn’t easy (GG sincerely hopes you wont poop yourself but no promises . . . we’ve all seen Trainspotting, right?). Also, and GG hates to keep bringing it back to this, but the big corporations will be the first to fall during the coming cyborg wars and your precious sugar, no more. So this is really good training for the coming robo-apocalypse.
Alright, that’s enough for now. Remember that your first report off for today’s activities is due no later than noon tomorrow, Jan. 3rd. If your report comes in at 12:01pm, no punkte. In fact, GG issues this challenge. If your Gruppen gets all 23 Füsters to report off by noon on the first reporting day, you’ll earn the first Gruppen Bonus Allowance (GBA) of the game at +5p. So don’t be a lazy drecksack and make sure you support your Gruppen. Cause you never know, they may be the only friends you’ve got when there’s a foot of melted ice cap water in your kitchen and your under attack from an army of crab-drones that want to part you out for your “energy core” (even though you keep telling them you’re not powered by batteries, do they listen?)
Good luck on Day 1, Füsters! GG is glad your’re here.
And may the Füste be with you these next nine weeks.
Griswalde Grolar
